To Paxton on His Fourth Birthday

Dear Paxton:

Birthday’s are a special time in our family as you know.  It’s a time for celebration, but it is also a time for reflecting.   It’s hard to think about the fact that the day you were born we didn’t even know you existed.  You were a dream born into our hearts but you wouldn’t be a reality for several days to come.

On your birthday my thoughts always turn to what if I had never met you?  Seen your smile.  Known your voice.   Your sweet hugs.  The way you wake up and tell me that you dreamed about how you love me so so so much.  What if we hadn’t become a family.  The truth is I can’t and don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.

We were destined to be a family though.  It was always in the plans.  Our souls were joined earlier than I even knew.  You were the desire of our heart.  The dream God planted in us revealed.  I loved you from the moment I heard about you.  I knew I was meant to be your mother from the start.

We always say isn’t it amazing that in this big big big world we found each other.  We became a family.  It was always meant to be.

Paxton you are spunky and fun and daily you give me a run for my money with your one thousand questions.  Watching you change from a baby into a little boy has been exciting and challenging and the best experience of my life.  You make friends easily, put people at ease and you are kind.  To me nothing else would really matter but you are also smart and witty and observant.  You get excited easily and run from one thing to the next but your soul and your thoughts are deep.

I see so much of us in you but I also see your birth mom too.  It’s a beautiful experience to know that so much of her personality is in you as she was such an amazing person.  I know she is so proud of the person you are becoming.

You have made me view race through new eyes.  I am experiencing your growing curiosity about being different but also learning how special you are.  You never cease to amaze me about your ability to come up with important questions but also accepting that I don’t always have the answers you are looking for.  Together we are learning how to be a multicultural family.  You help me to open my heart to new thoughts and ideas.

I want to shelter your sweet spirit from hurt and rejection that I know is inevitable but together we will face whatever challenges come our way.  You are strong and you make me stronger.  You make me want to fight for what is right and for a better way.  You make me want to have a voice for those that don’t or can’t.  At the end of my life I hope I can look back and see that people knew where I stood when it mattered and that it was because of you and your brothers.

You were a hope.  A wish.  A dream.  In a time when we thought our dreams were dead you made them a reality.  We will be forever grateful to you and how lucky we were to be chosen to be your parents.  It wasn’t by accident I can assure you of that.  It was by a great design bigger than us.  We love you so and can’t wait to see that the next year brings.

Love, Momma